Tears of Regret

Tears of regret do I weep

As death upon me surely creeps

Dust upon my gasping breath

Soon to be taken by death

 

Laying, praying in my head

Regrets weighing down like lead

To love or lose or be alone

To take a chance, to have home

 

No one to love, no one to call

Regrets echoing down the hall

They were there, I pushed them away

Now by me, no one to stay

 

Decisions given to me to make

Hardened my heart, now it's too late

Tears of regret, I do weep

As death upon me surely creeps

 

By:  Rachel

Today I officially became a Senior in college, something that I thought would never happen.  I celebrated by buying myself a new computer chair (yeah I know I'm out of control).  But I spend a lot of hours here doing my school work and I have Lupus, so anything that can add some comfort I am so there.  I also sent off my seventh month old to a developmental program for four hours a day starting today.  I couldn't even take him there because I knew I wouldn't want to let him go, so my husband and son did it for me.  But....I did go to pick him and everyone else up so it was good to see.  Of course when I got there he was crying, but was very pleased to see his mommy.  I start a new class today with trepidation, because it's finances and numbers and with dyslexia, those things give me a headache.  I'll let ya know how that turns out.

After the events of yesterday I have learned a lot about myself and isn't that what it's all about.  When I first heard everything that was being said I wanted to fricasse my daughter but after talking with my best amiga I figured out that wasn't the way.  So I killed her off emotionally so to speak.  Took down all her pictures, momentos, etc.  I decided to take a month or so to decide if I want to file for grandparent's rights, because if I do a lot of her dirty laundry would be aired and it's pretty bad.  I have to question because it would be made public so to speak do I really want my granddaughter some day to be able to see from whence she came?  Children's self-image has a lot to do with how they perceive their parents.  At the same time I wonder if she will resent me because she perceives that I didn't care enough to fight for her.  I figure my mind is too clouded with emotion right now, so I will step back and take a deep breath and then figure it out a little later.  On to other things....I am on the last day of this class and have two major projects to finish before midnight.  Then...tomorrow it's on to a new class.  So I probably shouldn't rattle on so but I have noticed it is actually something I look forward to now, so we will see how this goes.  I'm a straight shooter so please feel free to speak your mind.

Today I found out that I will not be allowed to see my grand daughter ever.  On top of it, my daughter constructed a pack of lies to make me look bad.  This is not the first time, this is one of many.  She is very vicious.  When some of my family challenged her with facts she incorporated lies about them so they would be discredited.  As a result I decided today that she has to be dead to me.  She has done nothing but hurt me both professionally and personally and will not stop until she destroys me.  I have not been the only target, but I seem to be her primary target.  Her therapist said she is afraid that if I get to know her boyfriends family all of her "skeletons" may come out of the closet and that I should be very cautious.  I have never "killed" off a member of my family because I was raised in foster homes and I know that it is important to have family, but emotionally and physically this is killing me, so it's down to me or her.  Hopefully one day my grand daughter will feel the need to find me and will be smart enough to figure out the truth on her own.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I find myself wandering through all the hallways of my memories.  I am currently at a fork in the road of life.  Trying to figure out why I let myself be lied to.  I was always told when my children became adults they would not be able to wait to get out on there own and be self sufficient.  I know that is a fantasty weaved by parents who hope for what is not to be.  My oldest is learning disabled and now has a twenty month old child.  Bound by her limitations we are always having to "save" her financially and emotionally.  It has taken a heavy toll on us.  My middle is a narcissist, she always used emotional blackmail to get her way and now that she has a child just two weeks ago, she has done everything she can to turn the knife in my heart.  To her this child is just another means for her to try to control everyone and everything as she has always tried to do.  My youngest is seventeen going on twelve.  He is going to have a child in December with his eighteen year old girlfriend.  They are both living with us and treat this house as if it was a flophouse.  How dare I expect that they contribute in anyway.  Neither have jobs, driver's licenses or ambition.  On top of that we have three darling foster babies seven months, fourteen months and two years.  They each come with their own unique set of problems and needs and sometimes those needs are overwhelming.  I am a full time online student as well.  My husband is loving but makes bad business decisions that I am constantly having to try to fix.  So I realize that I need to redefine who I am and what I will tolerate as well as my relationships with all these people.  It's very scary, but kind of exciting in a way. 

I like camping and anything to do with the outdoors.  I love to read Stephen King, but his scary stuff not his Dark Towers sci fi stuff.  I also liike reading true crime and psychological thrillers.  I love to watch a good movie and have a few favorite television programs but definatley am not a couch potato.  I love country music.  I also love cooking primarily baking and love time just to create in my kitchen.

What are your interests and likes?